1.11...a magical date!

January 11th…I am realizing 1.11 is a special day in my life when my heart, mind and soul is fueled by the power and inspiration of human connection as well as my decisions to take follow my heart not my head.  I did not wake up with this realization. It did not hit me until the middle of the day when, after landing in Bangkok, enroute home from 8 days without connectivity traveling through northern Laos. I linked into the free WiFi, opened up Facebook and at the top of my feed was my FB memories.  As I scrolled through it became very clear that 1.11 is a magical day where my courage to try, my love of people and my desire to experience new things instead of listening to advice, guidance or misgivings of others allows me to discover the beauty, strength and joy of the human spirit. Memories from today and past years are reminders to me to keep trying to push myself to follow my heart to push out my belief that human connection is what life is all about and we need to be intentional about making new connections outside of our comfortable bubbles.  Before diving into my past memories of this day, I will start with the ones that were created this morning before my flight out of Laos.

After spending 7 days with a Seattle friend, Xee, and her parents on her return to the home of her birth, the site where they spent five years in a Thai refugee camp and multiple villages/towns that her parents lived in before fleeing their home due to war, we had just an hour before they dropped me off at the airport in Luang Prabang.  Xee, her father and I climbed to the highest point in the town. 

Looking out at the town below, Xee’s father pointed to where he lived from 1964 to 1968 as a student at a Catholic missionary school.  He was 12 years old when he arrived. I asked him if he was nervous leaving his mountain village and going so far away from his family.  He said, “No, I was not. All the children my age either went to the school or they were taken to be soldiers to fight in the war. Most of the kids my age became soldiers.  I came with my schoolmates. Had I not, I would have gone off to fight and probably would not be here today.”

I asked him if it was because of missionaries that he came to be connected with the school.  He said, “Yes, there was an Italian missionary in my village. It is because of him that my family became Catholic.”  I said, “It is because of Catholicism that your family is alive today?” He replied, “Yes.” In that moment my mind was opened to something that I held more negative thoughts than positive ones about, since the mid-90’s from time as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Lesotho.  I had witnessed the negative aspects of missionary efforts and had become closed-minded to the idea that there were positive ones regarding foreigners evangelizing their faith. But because of one human connection in a remote mountain village in Laos, this wonderful Seattleite, who has helped countless Laos individuals and families since arriving in the city in 1980 was able to have a full life, ultimately touching mine.  Over the past week, I have learned from his family’s culture, faith, resourcefulness, gratitude and what it means to be a true survivor. And now my mind was being opened further because of these moments above Luang Prabang. What a way to start a morning.  

Descending the steep steps from the mountain top temple with Xee and her father, I was amazed at all that I have had the good fortune to witness this post week.  Witnessing a woman learning stories of her family’s past, recalling memories of her own, meeting family members for the first time, traveling in her country of birth experiencing affirmation she is more American than Hmong but so grateful for the opportunity to return with her parents on what most likely is their last time returning to Laos.  I met people who I could not communicate with but welcomed me without question. Invited me into their homes. Fed me and urged me to come back. They gave to me with their whole hearts and I felt their sincerity. 

So far from home, unable to communicate, I felt welcomed and safe…and so grateful that I could return to a home that had a real mattress, running water, refrigeration, electricity, freedom of speech, opportunity and my family.  

As I said goodbye at the airport to this family who took me in as their own, my heart was so full.  How lucky was I to have had this opportunity?? One that I never could have imagined or orchestrated if I had tried.  One that only happened because I sat with my kids at a lazy Susan communal table during dim sum rush hour and talked with a woman and her daughter 8 years ago.  And one that never could have happened had I listened to my head telling me, “You are too busy with other work to leave. How does this fit into the work you are doing?  Maybe people are right, you need to pick one thing and focus on it…you are always doing too many things and they don’t seem to go together (but in my head I see them all connected:) You are being selfish leaving your family and work to travel to a place you have already visited.  Even though you think this is important, what could ever come of it? Here you go again, wasting time and not making money…” The reasons not to go were endless in my mind. But my heart kept tugging at my head telling it that it WAS important and this was an experience of a lifetime. 

This trip was not easy.  This trip was not a vacation.  This trip allowed me to see things I have never witnessed.  This trip allowed me to expand my understanding of what it is to be a refugee, an immigrant, a Catholic, a mother in fear of losing her family to gunfire, a family who lost everything except for their will to live and their hope of a better life even when they are told to fear the unknown of a foreign place they know nothing about, people who are so special to Seattle but almost invisible to the people of Seattle. 

I boarded the plane in Luang Prabang filled with gratitude for the experience and with pride for myself to have the courage to not give into the gremlins that tell me to just be happy with the life you have and not push for something different because I cannot articulate its importance.  

As soon as I took my seat on the plane, I opened my laptop to get to work.  I had high hopes that I would read on the trip or at the very minimum get through one audio book that I have had on my night stand for months…Brené Brown’s, “Dare to Lead”, but was only into the 2nd chapter.  I put on my headphones and hit play. And it was as if she was talking directly to me. Her words were assurance that I need to keep on keeping on with just trying my best to push out into the world what is in my heart, head and soul.  For me that is the vital importance of human connection.

After seeing my Facebook memories showing me how incredible this day during my layover in Bangkok, I got on the next flight, went back and looked her words that I underlined as I read because they resonated with me and I knew I would want to look back at them someday.  When I opened the book, I first went to the page where I had been moved to write Human Connectivity Conservation. 

 

Brown’s words gave me assurance, although I will need to give myself daily reminders that doing things differently than have been done is okay and important to go against the grain of “normal”…

And then to today’s memories…
2 years ago today, this video is powerful for me to listen to (and that is saying something because I cannot really stand to listen to my videos...I just share and try to ignore my dislike of my own voice because I have to get out what is in my heart) after just being in a third world country that is severely impacted by all the issues I mention in the video and having been there with people who were forced to flee, I was moved by what I shared in this video. I believe in what I shared and feel exactly the same way today.  We can make a difference. We must come together in community. Be with each other...it really isn't difficult and will provide heart and soul fuel our country needs!

3 years ago today I drove up to Mountlake Terrace, met a wonderful small business owner, Mike Torres (who immediately became Magic Mike to me as soon as I met him) and picked up the first 20 of 200 signs I had been passionate to print because I believe in people and I wanted to take a stand for what I believe. Seeing the memory of the sign going up on the first lawn and then, on the same day, I received 2 orders for 10 signs each. That was a big deal then and is still a very big deal to me. When an individual has the courage to get more than one sign for themselves, to share in their community it makes my heart soar!
And my passion for painting rocks was in full swing and these posts made me smile. We must hold onto hope and be the change we want to see in the world.
On this day, 3 years ago, I could never have imagined I would still be selling signs, painting rodks and filled with even more passion about the importance of spreading the message across this country.

 

4 years ago today...thanks to so many trusting, enthusiastic, talented, unique and inspiring individuals, I somehow was able to realize a crazy dream of creating a ski music parody w/ 30 women who were game to slip into my vintage onesies, sing, dance and ski to raise money for brain cancer research.  I still really can’t believe we did it, but I know we did because I am lucky to hold onto so many memories of the weeks of preparation, the craziness of the day of shooting and the laughter that continues to flow from that undertaking. AND it has lead me to taking one a new venture that is a result of that craziness and another connection because of The World in My Backyard that I am leaning into many areas that are new to me and trusting my inner voice and inspirations.

This was the result of that day on the mountain.

Seeing these memories and then having the one that just happened to me this morning remind me of the brilliance of people and the reason why I can never tell myself to step away from putting myself out there.  I will continue to hold onto the belief that we live in a beautiful world, filled with beautiful unique humans that can support and uplift each other and make our world even better. I am hopeful for the year ahead and already looking forward to what 1.11.21 has in store for me.

If you made it to the end of this long post, I thank you and I apologize in advance for run on sentences, grammatical errors, any repetition and hack photo layouts. Because I was flying from SE Asia it has been a 36 hr day (bonus for me w/ an extended 1.11.20:), I do not have the energy to edit. My head is telling me don't hit "publish" but my heart is telling me to put it out into the world and not worry...just share and hopefully my ramblings will resonate with someone out there!

I am happy to be home, looking forward to the new year ahead and sharing more of the stories I learned while traveling with Xee.

Seattle-Laotian WIMBY Connection

1.5.20 4:47am in Chiang Mai, Thailand...

Just hours before catching my Seattle flight on the I discovered my old, but very loved website, The World in My Backyard, was lost forever.  I was crushed because, although I had not updated it in many years, it held stories/work that I was looking forward to reigniting with the new year.  My goal with WIMBY was to meet, interview and photograph Seattle residence born in every country in our world.  It was a project that I worked on for a year and then had to back-burner due to work and family life.  That year was, hands down, the best year of my life as I met, learned from and was inspired by countless humans without having to venture far a foot or watch a screen to see the beauty of the human spirit.

I was momentarily devastated because I was about to board a plane to meet Xee Yang-Schell and her parents in Chiang Mai, Thailand a day before they would cross the Thai/Laos boarder to travel to the place of her birth.  I met Xee and her daughters seven or eight years ago while sharing a large, lazy Susan table enjoying dim sum in Seattle's International District.  Being the only adults at the table, with children of similar ages, we struck up a very enjoyable conversation.  As we were about to leave, and after learning Xee was raised in Seattle but born in Laos, I asked her if she would be open to meeting again and be my Laotian World In My Backyard subject.  A bright smile washed over her face and she agreed.  Below is a recap of what Xee shared with me during my "interview" with her.  

Today, I am trying to let go of the fact that technology is letting me down and hope that a blog post will suffice and I can find time to build a new website when I return and just be in the moment.  I am deeply passionate about the World in My Backyard.  I am saddened you cannot link to other stories today.  But today, I am living an experience that I could have never imagined and I hope my stories going forward will inspire people to connect with the world around them, as every person has a unique stories and perspectives that can teach us if we are open and slow down to take the time to connect with the world in different ways.

For the next 6 days, I will be with Xee and her parents as she returns for the first time to the hill tribe village in northern Laos where she was born.  I will be off the grid and immersed in a life and culture very different than the one I live in my daily life.  It will not be easy or comfortable but I know if will impact my life, challenge me and hopefully have me grow in ways that I cannot even begin to imagine, just like when I first met Xee so many years ago.  I am grateful for her letting a stranger in and sharing herself openly with me.  What she shared with me so many years ago inspired me and made me think a little differently and she continues to do that for me today making me more passionate to promote the importance to human connectivity...here is a little of her story.  I will have more to share very soon.  

My one ask today is if this moves you in any way, share it with a friend, send me a message, connect with a stranger...please do not stay silent...

Xee (prounounced "Sea") was born in 1972, along the Laos/Thailand border in Nam Yiew, Laos.  Her parents are from a more northern region, Luang Namtha, but were driven further and further south towards Thailand during the Vietnam War.

Memories before arriving in the U.S.:  “When I was two, my family had to flee Laos.  I have vague memories of being on the bottom of a boat [crossing the Mekong] and my mother covering us with a blanket to hide.”

“We stayed in Thai refugee camp for five years.  I remember very traumatic events like getting beaten up by other girls, being bullied.  During the first three years at the camp, we had an easier time because we were the first wave a refugees.  The Thai government and local people were tolerant of the refugees. As more and more refugees arrived, it became more crowded and the surrounding forests were over hunted and foraged.  The influx of refugees was too much strain for the local people, so a barbed wire fence was erected around the entire camp. We could not leave without permission. It felt like we were in prison and could not get out.”

Age when immigrated to U.S.: 1980 “I remember being at the airport, our fascination with the elevators.  We went up and down and up and down, over and over again. We flew via Tokyo and had to spend the night in a hotel.  We went up to our room and I remember they put us up really, REALLY high. We are people who had NEVER been off the ground.  We were all so scared to look out the window and look down. I remember peeking down and being fascinated with how high up we were.  I remember taking a bath in a bath tub. I Laos and at the refugee camp, we bathed in a tiny tub that you did not get in or we would just stand in the rain.”

“We had moved so much that I didn’t think much of another move [even though it was to a foreign country].  As long as I had my parents there, I felt secure.”

First memories of United States: “We lived in Shoreline.  Our first house was very small, but coming from a refugee camp where everything is really small, we thought the house was grand with plumbing and everything.  It was easier for my family to integrate because we were Catholic Hmong versus Animist Hmong. We found a church close to our home and it made the integration process easier because things were more familiar.”

Newly arrived in Shoreline, 8 years old.

“My father learned to drive and bought a Chevrolet station wagon for $800, but it died shortly after purchasing so we did lots of bus riding.  Our sponsor family drove us to important appointments and the husband of the first family we lived with when we arrived was a dentist so he took care of all our teeth.  We were so fortunate to have such loving people take care of our family when we first came to Seattle.”

Childhood memories:  “I think it was very difficult for my parents, but Hmong people have been migratory for centuries, so I think it was in their blood...survivalist...’we are here, we cannot go back, so let’s make the best of it.’  My parents just did what they could, got by with what they had and asked for help when they needed it.”

“My parents did a lot of different jobs.  I think my father worked in a manufacturing facility for a while, then a grocery store.  He was volunteering to help the Hmong people in Seattle and surrounding cities, it was a natural role for him.  I think he is a natural born leader. Eventually the Arch Bishop asked him to work at Our Lady of Mt. Virgin Church.  All different Laotian ethnicities gathered there. He has been there for almost 30 years. In the mid-1980’s, King County instituted the IndoChinese Farm Project to provide a vehicle for refugees to earn incomes through farming.  My father was one of the first people to be involved in the project. King County gave land in Woodinville to immigrants.  My mom started farming around 1987. She started growing vegetables but then, after she saw someone growing flowers, she started to grow them too.  When I was in high school and college, myself and my siblings would help her and she could go to more markets. She continues to farm to this day at the age of 63, but now just sells at Pike’s Place Market and the University Market.”

“I enjoyed school. I excelled and did better than other students, but I always felt different than other students.  There were not many Hmong people where we lived. I think I never felt like I completely fit in. I felt different. Nobody else but my family and my sisters had a similar experience.  Other kids couldn’t understand coming home, speaking a different language and eating different foods. My background and history was just so different. It was kind of lonely. My parents couldn’t help us with school.  They did always encourage us to do well, but they couldn’t help us. It was all up to us. However much motivation we had was what we had. ”

Xee, 13 years old

Where did your motivation to excel in school come from?:  "I think it was just me.  I wanted to have a different life than what we had.  We grew up very poor. I didn’t want to be poor. I knew that school was my way out and it would give me more opportunities.  I understood where we came from. The fact that my parents did not speak English when we arrived in Seattle, they could not get well paying jobs.  It was just the way it was but I thought it is not the way it will be when I get older.”

“I think being poor is really a blessing, if you look at it...we were creative.  We made our own toys. I remember making a dollhouse out of cardboard. I didn’t have a real dollhouse, but I could build one.”

“I had a personal expectation that I would go onto college.  I just wanted to be more educated. I saw a lot of poverty. People getting married young, not having a lot of opportunity so they were stuck...I wanted to do something different.  I wanted to do something with my life. I had to figure out the college process on my own. I studied and did well on the test [SAT] and received a scholarship to Seattle University.”

Xee was the first person in her family to attend college.  After graduating with an accounting degree she was hired by a local accounting firm.   "I realized accounting wasn't what I enjoyed at all, so I started helping my mother with her farming business.  I discovered I was good at it and could help my mother’s business. We made a good partnership for many years."

Following the adoption of her first child, Xee choose to be a stay at home mom.

You are an American but raised with a Hmong influence, how do you identify yourself?:  I am still trying to figure that out.  I am Hmong and yet I feel I am not quite Hmong either.  I don’t feel like you can be 100% Hmong unless you live where there are Hmong.  I don’t really feel very Hmong and that is probably why I didn’t marry a Hmong man.  I didn’t feel like I could live up to the Hmong standards in a relationship. Being a Hmong daughter-in-law, you get up early, you make breakfast, you go to work, you come home, you take care of the kids...you are doing everything.  There are a lot more expectations. There are a lot of parties you have to attend. Always busy, every weekend someone is having a party or a funeral if you live in a large Hmong community.”

Xee, 16 years old and in traditional Hmong attire.

Was there an expectation to marry a Hmong man?:  “Oh yes, my parents wanted all of us to marry Hmong.  They wanted us to stay in the culture because of all the divorces in the Caucasian population.  They were so afraid we couldn’t make it [multi-racial marriage] work. I dated three Hmong. The Hmong boys I dated, like me, were more Americanized and didn’t have cultural expectations of me.  But I knew their parents would. In the back of my mind, I knew I wouldn’t marry in the community because I didn’t want to be trapped by all the obligations. When my relationship with my caucasian boyfriend (now husband) became serious, my parents did not express any strong disapproval because they knew he was a good man.  I was the first daughter not to marry Hmong.”

“We had a beautiful Catholic ceremony in July and the following spring we had a traditional Hmong wedding.  It is a very long ceremony. It can take up to three or four days.”

What was your most difficult time in life: “Not being able to have children of my own was probably the biggest challenge of my life and I also realize that it is the biggest blessing of my life.”

“I come from a culture that has a lot of kids.  People were having kids left and right...all around me.  Now it doesn’t bother me, but back then, it was very hard to see someone get pregnant so easily and it doesn’t happen for you...you feel left out.  ‘What is wrong with me that I am being left out?’”

Xee and her husband chose to adopt.  “I don’t know if other first time parents feel this way, but I felt like, ‘what if I’m not qualified to be a parent.  If I don’t know what to do. If I am just not a good mother.’ I had a lot of doubt and fears and excitement.  We found out less than a month before we had to travel to pick her up. I remember vividly the day I got a call from my husband telling me the consulate appointment was scheduled.  I was at the market selling flowers with my mother and found out we would be traveling the next Wednesday to China to meet our daughter.”

Adoption:  “They bring in the baby.  She is so quiet, looking around, observing.  Of course, she is just so beautiful, but of course, there is no connection yet.  The woman hands me a baby and I hold her in my arms. It doesn’t feel real yet. I feel like I am holding someone else’s baby.  She is very sweet. Not a peep out of her as she is looking around. We finish our paperwork and go to our hotel room. She is sitting on the bed still very quiet, just observing.  I have this overwhelming feeling that comes over me...’Oh my gosh, this is a huge responsibility that I have taken on. I am going to to the very best I can for this little baby! What an awesome responsibility this is for me!’  I think it was at that moment that I felt like she was ours. When I think about that moment it brings tears to my eyes. It was just a really special moment when I realized she was ours...she belonged to us.”

“We waited three years to start the adoption process again...we waited too long...Chinese adoption had changed.  We waited five years. We decided it did not make sense to have another baby at that point so we said we would adopt an older child.  But even older, healthy children were hard to come by so we decided to switch to a special needs child. We reviewed a few files...it was difficult.  When you don’t accept a child, it is a rejection and you feel guilty. ‘Why can’t I take this child? This child just needs a home and love.’ But we had to be realistic, ‘Can I really take this child and give them the home they really need making them feel welcome and loved?’  After a few, we received a referral for our daughter, whose special needs was her eyesight.”

“It was very different with our second daughter because she was older.  The bonding doesn’t happen in just three or four days [as with an infant].  It takes much longer. A lot of habits had already formed that you have to undo.  There have been a lot of adjustments for everyone in the first year, but she is doing great, she loves school and my older daughter is just thrilled to have her sister here.”

Xee in Hawaii post college.

Did you ever feel like you were living between two worlds?:  Oh, I still feel that way.  Because of my unique background, I mean it is not so unique, but for the majority of people, they do not have the same experiences as I had.  So I feel like if I talked about my experiences, people wouldn’t really understand. I kind of feel like I’m not quite...I don’t have two feet in the American culture and I don’t have two feet in the Hmong culture.  I kind of have one foot in both and go back and forth and I am

A few more thoughts from Xee that have stayed with me:  “When we are young, we don’t think we will be in a place when we are older that we are still thinking about what we want to do when we are older.  {You think when you are older you will have life figured out] But now that I am in an older body, but my mind still has ideas about ‘what will I do...what am I going to do that will leave an impression when I die?’  I think about that a lot...’What is my purpose?’ What am I to do now that I am 40? Being 40 and not quite sure what I want to do when I grow up...still having those dreams of those who are in their 20s...which ones do I still have?  Which ones should I revise? As I get older, I try really hard to see the extraordinary in the ordinary because what if that is all there is?”

“I think when life is patched too nicely for you, you do not have a chance to grow.  I think that is why my “package” was all warped.” [Followed by BIG smiles]

How Tara connected with Xee:  My boys and I were seated at a lazy Susan table for dim sum in the International District as Xee and her daughters were finishing up their meal at the same table.

How Tara connected with Xee:  My boys and I were seated at a lazy Susan table for dim sum in the International District as Xee and her daughters were finishing up their meal at the same table.

If you are in Seattle and want to get started connecting with the world in your backyard, join me at the inaugural Conversations with The World In My Backyard gathering on January 23rd in Capitol Hill. https://www.eventbrite.com/o/29028469781.

Local Connection Opens Global Connection

Soon after I began The World in My Backyard project, I realized meeting new people for the project was providing me with more insight into life than just learning about world cultures, life journeys and Seattleites.  The connections began impacting myself and my family.  We were creating friendships with people outside of our "everyday" world, having new and exciting experiences in our city that we never could have anticipated or realized on our own.  The connections opened doors to new experiences in Seattle and ultimately other parts of the world.

After spending a few hours interviewing Harold Brandford, I was taken by his openness and approach to life.  I felt a kinship with him even though our backgrounds and age were different.  A friendship formed over a few meetings.  Conversations were shared about his upbringing in Barbados and the beauty of the island.  Because of Harold, my husband and I decided to use our travel miles and explore the birthplace of our new friend.  Because of the stories he had shared, I was motivated to see the places that impacted his life.  

Although we didn't have Harold with us as a tour guide, the stories and memories he had shared about his upbringing in Barbados provided us with a different vantage point to explore the island country.

We visited the home his father built

The door knocker still displayed his family name.

We visited the high school he shared so many memories of and when we strolled the grounds while the school was on Easter break.

We met a young man who, although he could have been home resting, chose to sit on campus and study for upcoming exams.  He was a year away from graduating with aspirations to go to medical school one day...I felt like I was transported back in time for just a moment and meeting Harold on campus in his youth.

We thought about Harold growing up coming to the fish market for the local catch.

During my initial meeting with Harold, he shared with me his first experience flying to New York at the age of 12.  "it was pretty amazing.  The airport in Barbados is really small.  This sounds really sad, but going to the airport on a Saturday afternoon and watching planes come an go was entertainment...that's was lots of people did.  There wasn't much to do on the island, so you would watch planes take off and land..."
We were amazed to discover, as we were driving past the airport one afternoon, that this pastime still remained 50 years later.  A long line of cars were parked along the fence line of the airstrip.  We decided to park and check it out.

We met this beautiful, vivacious man who listened to the flight deck & pilot interchange as planes were coming in for landing or taking off via a handheld radio.

 He was so excited to share with us all that he learned from listening and watching.   He spent hours upon hours with his family parked along the fence line.  He shared he was a surfing guide and rented cars to tourists, but his goal was to one day become an air traffic controller. He let my boys listen.  We were all enthralled by the coming and going of the planes...his passion for planes was infectious. 

Having the hometown connection with Harold changed our experience of exploring a country.
I never know where new connections will lead me, what  I will learn about myself, my neighbor or the world I live in.  What I do know is creating new connections has made my journey in life so much richer and I am grateful to others who are willing to open up their world to me!!

Meant to Be

Almost everyday since shifting my mind to move forward, there have been crazy, weird serendipitous connections or happenings. Nothing tangible or deeply meaningful

 if I were to explain each occurrence, but strangely they felt like constant reminders that I am moving in the right direction & meant to be exactly where I am at that moment. Every day I have woken thinking the random things for sure has to end, but every single day something has happened. And then yesterday I got smacked upside the head with one and now I am going to stop thinking it is just accidental. 

I know everyone thinks I talk to strangers all of the time. I really don't. I don't leave my house looking for a new connection, they just happen. Yesterday was a perfect example. I was working in my office most of the day. I then took my son and his friend to 

to scooter & run around at Jefferson Park while I ran the circumference of the park. When I finished my run, I did go to the car to get my camera...just in case. I sat down on a bench next to the skate park for 5 minutes. Directly across from me was a guy who had his back to me, but the way he was sitting on the step was so relaxed and for some reason I felt like I could talk to him. I really do not approach strangers very often without a reason, but this time, something about his posture made me feel like I should say hi and see what his story was...so I gathered my courage to feel strange as I approached. I said "hi" and learned that he was watching his son scooter too. I heard an accent in his voice and then the conversation turned to where he was from...The Gambia. We talked for a few minutes about Africa and his arrival in the States 24 years ago.  I decide to ask him if I could photograph him and have him be a part of WIMBY. He agreed and we exchanged names before I snapped a few pics. When he heard my name he said, "Tara? Did you say Tara?" Yes, I told him that was correct. "I have your name tattooed on arm..." WHAT??  My name is not that common and even when I meet another person with the same name, the spelling is often different.  He takes off his coat to show me and I am assuming it cannot be...and if my name is there, it will be spelled differently. I was floored when he pulled up his sleeve. 
What are the chances?  And he was only one of two people I talked to all day yesterday.  Serendipity? For me, it was an exclamation point that I need to keep connecting. I am constantly being reminded that people in front of us may be there for a reason, but we will never know if we keep our heads down or stay behind our imaginary walls.  Mohammed was such a nice man and I cannot wait to share his story soon with ‪#‎WIMBYbyDay‬.
You never ever know what can happen if you say hello!!

Starting With This Moment

I really wanted to post a follow on to my time with Robert.  It will come.  But today, I am moved to share the following.  The last week has been filled with great connections and imagery creation that I will start sharing later today but I must lead with this and I am hoping it will be the last time I write about self-doubt and motivation...it is time to get a move on!!

I have spent an enormous amount of time thinking over the past year while I tenuously try to maneuver through the weeks as a mom, wife and photographer.  I feel like there has been lots of thinking, lots of stress with minimal output.  Ironically, for the very first time in my life, I have discovered my life passion.  Since the lightbulb finally went off on what I want to do in life, I have struggled to understand why things just are not falling into place.  I've heard for over two decades now, "Figure out what you are passionate about and then follow it.  That is the key to happiness and "success" in life."  

I feel so lucky to finally be able to put a finger on what drives me but instead now feeling like I have a direction to go in I have felt paralyzed.  I have gone from a person of action, living in the moment and not worrying (too much) about how the future will unfold to someone that wants to know that I am taking the right steps to achieve the visions I have dancing in my head.  It has been a frustratingly scary place to be.  Especially given my place in life...middle-age (that sounds horrible when you still feel like you are 25 most of the time), mother of two healthy boys, house in a great neighborhood, husband with a great job, healthy family (immediate AND extended), great friends...what do I have to be unsettled about??!!  I have the life I had envisioned in my head over the past 20 years of hard work.  Why can't I just sit back, relax and settle into the life we have created.  Why can't I find contentment in the photography career I worked my tail off to create?  The self-doubt, the questioning, the future and what I am doing every day to move towards it has been ridiculously exhausting.  I want to rewind the clock a few years, before I began unearthing my true passion.  Why can't I just thankful for all the great photography clients, family and friends I have.  But that is not life.  It truly is a roller coaster filled with highs, lows and infinite unknowns that are out of our control.  

So today, the first week of Q2 2015, I am going to release the seatbelt that I have strapped myself in with this past year.  And get back to living life and leading my life without worrying about how it will go, what people will think, if I make sense, if I will be misunderstood or if I will fail in reaching my "undefined" goal.  I am actually right on track with the rough plan I gave myself for this new "job".  Q1 would be planning, Q2-4 was for executing the plan.  I'm going to ignore that my "plan" is not clearly defined and celebrate that I am in action on day three of Q2.

Here is what I know:

--I believe in humanity and we can learn from and be inspired by the people around us regardless of where you are on this planet.

1995 Ha Rankakala, Qacha's Nek, Lesotho

--I have had a life-long wanderlust that on the surface appeared a lust to travel the world.  I have come to realize it is not travel to see the sights of the world that fuels my wanderlust, but the doors traveling opens to connect with people from all walks of life.  I have never traveled the world to tick off the countries, I just wanted to be in places where I was a complete fish out of water.  My desire to be immersed in the unknown (travel w/o an itinerary, w/o a fluency of the local language, w/o knowing anyone in the region) always forced me to trust strangers and people who were vastly different than myself.  For 20+ years, the living and traveling in different parts of the world fueled my passion...human connectivity.  Having new, unforgettable adventures & experiences with and because of strangers, this was the driving force behind my sense of wanderlust.  

--Since the idea for The World in My Backyard came to me in 2012, I have realized I could have similar experiences and powerful connections with strangers without leaving the city I live in.

--People all over this world are more the same than they are different, but in our society, we tend to see each others differences and stay separated because we don't know how to bridge the gap or we make assumptions about an individual based on the difference.  Creating our own perceptions of who we think people are, even though we know perception is always different than the reality.  If we can be open to new connections the gaps will get smaller.

--I got stuck in my first year of the project because I wanted everyone to get to have the unbelievable experiences I and my family were having just because we were meeting strangers in this city.  The stories I have managed to share have resonated with a few people.  When I started w/ this idea, that was enough.  Somewhere along the line I got worried about how I was sharing or should share.  What the end result for my project or best vehicle for sharing should be so I stopped interviewing and sharing.  But people still tell me something I shared with them resonated and impacted them.  So I just need to get back to doing.

--I have never had a clear road map for any of my "achievements" or jobs...so why do I think this experience should be different.  I need to return to my 20 year old self and jump in with both feet trusting that I will find my way and that I am able to do good things.

--Being self-employed can be tough because it takes 100% self-motivation.  I need to hear feedback to know if I am hitting the mark or way off...and unfortunately, my office walls don't talk back!  Reflecting on my 17 yr. photography career makes me realize that I had quite a bit of self-doubt that I was forced to overcome because I had clients who had no idea I was questioning myself.  Each time I delivered my work to them, they reminded me that I was on the right track.  My work was good enough.  I continued to grow and improve.  That is what I have to believe will happen with this process.  So if you are reading this and you stick with me in the weeks and months to come, I would ask that once or twice this year send me a thought you may have, good or bad about the content I am sharing or how it resonated (or didn't) with you.  

--The content I will be sharing will not be succinct or uniform for each.  I am going to let myself off the hook from having a standardized form in which I share the individual stories because that is not how I think or function.  If I give myself that constraint, I will continue to stay paralyzed.  Feedback on what works or how it can be improved will help shape the process and ultimately, I will find what works best.

--If my work does not go beyond this year, whether I run out of emotional/mental steam trying to produce this on my own or I need to return to my photography business I will try my best to remind myself that it will not be a failed venture.  My biggest worry right now is having my kids see me give up on my dreams and discovered passion.  If I do not try, I am not living the words I preach to them.  If it does not pan, at least I stood by my mantra that nothing can change if you do not try.

Today, I will get back to sharing stories of people in The World in My Backyard (WIMBY).  Adding one new facet...there will be stories "By Country" (continuing to follow the original goal of meeting one person from every country in the world living in Seattle) AND "By Day".  

In the middle of writing this post, I had to step away to attend a school event for my 3rd grader.  This song was sung by the 4th grade class and the timing could not have been more perfect for me.  I often feel like I have a tiny little voice and what is the point of sharing...this song provides a reason...

"Starting with this moment, we can make a change.

If we love those around us, maybe they will do the same.

Though we have a small voice, and just a simple song.

Let's place it in the heart of another, so they can pass it on.

It starts with; one hear loving another, two hands reaching out,

We can cover the world with love.

Two voices singing together, one song ringing out,

we can cover the world with love....cover the world with love.  Cover the world with love."

--Cover the World with Love by Jerry Estes

I am going to print these lyrics and put them by my computer to remind myself that although my voice is small and the experiences I am sharing seem so simple, I am going to pass them on.  The ripple effect can happen if we all chip away at our fears and start opening up to the people around us.

If you reached the end of this, THANK YOU!  If you follow the stories to come and feel moved by them (whether positively or negatively), please let me know and I ask that you share with others.  I am not sure how to amplify my "small voice" work, I am going to rely on you to help me spread the stories and images.  "Like" The World in My Backyard  & Human Connectivity Conservationist on Facebook, send me ideas, offer your technology or editing prowess to my efforts.  Any support you can provide, I will be so grateful!!

A WIMBY By Day story will follow very soon.

Thank you.

Ex Con. Ice Breaker. SOUL SHAKER.

Upon walked into the lobby waiting room for a therapist in Madison Park (an affluent neighborhood in Seattle), there was a disheveled, Snoop Dogg dead ringer, with tear drop tattoos and plastic bags next to him.  Ashamedly, my immediate thought was, "Is this man homeless and just walked off the street for a warm, dry spot to sit?"  He presence was so incongruous with the people I had seen in this office, or the upscale neighborhood, for that matter.  I put my head down, walked past both and sat on an empty sofa.  

I grabbed a magazine and quickly busied myself.  I only have my own experience to draw on, but in therapist waiting areas people rarely seem to make eye contact or talk.  Is there shame or embarrassment we are trying to avoid?  Aren't we all seeking help? But the vibe is always if I don't make eye contact with you, you will do the same for me and we can hide behind the imaginary wall and pretend no one is struggling. 

Minutes passed, I thought about the man in the room with me.  I did not make eye contact with him, but I was curious about him.   Why didn't I acknowledge his presence?  I think I am a nice person.  Why can't I look up?  "Keep flipping through the shiny Seattle Magazine.  I didn't want him to think I was judging him.  "Head down until your therapist calls your name," I said to myself.  "Maybe he is homeless and if I open the door with a 'hello', I won't be able to shut it??"  Total avoidance of another person's presence in a small space...that didn't feel great but I convinced myself that was the better option.  

A voice shook me out of my bubble.  I look up to find an inquisitive gaze followed by, "Excuse me, this is my first time here.  Do you just wait for a person to come and call you back?"  His simple question broke through the wall of silence.  

"Yes, whoever you are meeting will come and call your name," I reply.  And then, not wanting to continue my closed off position, I ask the question I ask most to people I do not know, "Are you from Seattle?"  "No, am from Missouri, I have only been in Seattle a few months."  

"That is a big move.  What brought you out to Seattle?  Friends or family?  How have you found Seattle to be?" I asked.  

"I needed to get away from Missouri, I came alone and it has been tough because it seems like people here are not friendly.  They don't like to be asked questions.  Compared to Missouri, they are not really that friendly."

I said, "Seattle is filled with very nice people, but it does take quite a bit of time to get to know people, 'Seattle nice, Seattle ice.'"

He had not heard that term before, but said he definitely has experienced it.  Just then my therapist arrived.  I had to quickly depart.  As I walked past him, I said goodbye and good luck....on with my day. 

I walked down the long hallway to my therapist's office thinking, I was thankful he asked me a question and stepped through the wall of silence.  I am not sure I would have done the same if I was in a place where I was a fish out of water as clearly as he was.  The  brief experience, although very minor impacted me but I couldn't put my finger on why.  On with my day...

Following my hour appointment, when I returned to the lobby, there he was, loading up his plastic bags.  I asked,"Did it all work out?  Did your counselor come?"

"It turned out I had the wrong time.  My appointment wasn't until 12:30.  So I need to come back in an hour." 

I mentioned there was a beautiful lakeside park just a few blocks away where he could sit while he waited.  His counselor had shared that with him too.  I told him it was a pleasure meeting him and I was thankful he asked me a question to take me out of my own space that morning.  I asked his name, "Robert," he shared.  I thanked him again as I pulled out my business card, handed it to him and said he could email me if he ever wanted to connect again or had any questions about Seattle.  He thanked me and I walked out. 

Just a few steps out the door, planning to cross the street to grab a coffee at Starbucks, I realized I could invite him to join me.  He said people were not friendly here...I could extend a few minutes of "friendliness" to him.  I returned with my invitation.  He took me up on my offer.

As we were approaching Starbucks, I asked him why he choose Seattle.  "A friend in St. Louis said it was a nice, quieter city.  That sounded like what I needed.  I needed to get away from everything in Missouri and start fresh."  

"Were you born and raise in St. Louis?"  I asked.  

"Yes.  I spent my whole life there."  

"Wow, that takes a lot of courage to move to a place so far away, when you don't know anyone and start a new!" I said.  He shrugged this idea off, but I reiterated my thought.

"Yes...I guess so." he said.  

"I know so.  That really is a big deal.  It cannot be easy."  I said.  

"Yeah, it is tough, but if you want to change to happen, you have to take a leap and go for it.  That is what I am trying to do.  It is hard, but I am trying my best.  I know I need change."  He had no idea how his words were impacting me.  They cut deep for me because I have been feeling down and isolated the past few weeks.  I believe these words.  I preach these words to my husband and sons.  But when you hit periods of self-doubt, even knowing those words to be true, it is easier to burrow into the ground than leap.  The messenger was powerful.  I assumed his difficulties were much greater than mine.  If he was pushing self-doubt aside, who was I to not start doing the same?  Courage.

I asked Robert what kind of coffee he would like.  "I don't know...black?"

"Black, that's it?  Lighter or darker roast?  Do you want room for cream and sugar?"  If you are a Seattleite, there are so many questions you can ask about one cup of coffee...

After I finished his simple order, followed by my "Tall Americano, one Splenda and topped with steamed milk" nit-picky order, Robert asks, "What is this place?  Do they make some special kind of coffee or what?"

"You know Starbucks, right?  The headquarters is here, but they have these shops in St. Louis and all over the world." I say.

"I have heard of them, but I have never been in one..."  That is hard for me to wrap my mind around.

After joining him to walk down to the waterfront park and sit with him, I learn why the unfathomable is real.  

Robert was incarcerated for 15 years.  Entering at the age of 21, in 1999.  I have never met an ex-convict.  I cannot believe my first experience was in a most unexpected neighborhood.  

The next hour unfolded with learning and new insight for both of us.  I will close for now and hope to share a little more about Robert's impact on my head and my heart.

Most significantly, Robert shook my soul just when I needed it.  Life is about taking leaps every day.  

HUMAN CONNECTIVITY is ESSENTIAL and can be found every day in unexpected places.  We just have to lift our heads and have courage to say hello.